10.09.19

The wind breathed through the window
the hours past haunted her
like every hour that ever passed
there was no lightness to her being
no carefree floating
just careless intensity

She never knew happy go lucky
she'd only dreamt of happy go lucky
she'd only seen its presence around others
she'd only witnessed its fortune in her successors
she watched with envy as it danced around them

Unlike them, happy go lucky never visited her as a child
it never played with her
or shaped her
she knew it was there
sometimes passed from parent to child
sometimes inherited
sometimes gifted in molecular fortune
sometimes powerfully adopted
she wasn't gifted with happy go lucky
unlike them she didn't receive it any form
did the nepotist of happy go lucky know they were triggers
causing her to linger in the bowels of their existence
does happy go lucky know the emotional terrorism it inflicts

Happy go lucky people avoided her at all costs
happy go lucky doesn't entertain the abused
the ones with the echoes of darkness within them
she never forgot the scars
although she blocked the memory of every beating
but happy go lucky doesn't even need to forget
because happy go lucky feels the lightness of memories
happy go lucky knows how to be
because happy go lucky doesn't feel the torment of being

happy go lucky doesn't need to feel intensely
because happy go lucky protects its own feelings

happy go lucky doesn't feel the emptiness of life
because happy go lucky fundamentally embraces it

happy go lucky doesn't overthink
because happy go lucky is too busy

happy go lucky doesn't fret about conformity
because happy go lucky knows the pleasure of passivity

happy go lucky doesn't entertain sadness
because happy go lucky has felt the possibility of happiness

happy go lucky doesn't search for love
because happy go lucky finds love all around

happy go lucky doesn't need friends
because happy go lucky already has a clique

happy go lucky doesn't feel loneliness
because happy go lucky has too many options

happy go lucky doesn't search for a partner
because happy go lucky is a catch

happy go lucky doesn't need success
because happy go lucky is already successful

She looked out the window
staring at all the happy go lucky's operate effortlessly
but unlike them she knew
she knew the poisons of life
what it felt like to want to leave
to escape the world and its material reality
she shun light in the darkest of feelings
she battled with the most evil of demons
she danced with death and never feared it
she resiliently confronted pain
she persevered in loneliness
she made friends with failure
she stared at walls in emptiness
she felt the exhaustion of time
she knew no one would be burdened with her
she knew she would never be happy go lucky
and knowing the pain happy go lucky caused her
she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to be happy go lucky.